Many of my female clients have asked me how to have an orgasm. Simply put, there is no easy answer. Each woman who is not orgasmic has a set of unique life experiences that interfere with her ability to enjoy orgasmic pleasure. Here are a few reasons women struggle with getting that climax…
Past sexual abuse, sexual trauma, or interference is the number one reason women are unable to orgasm in a safe relationship. The statistics are overwhelming and scary: 1 in 3 women will experience some type of sexual abuse or trauma in her lifetime. Experiencing abuse can make touch, pleasure, and surrender simply terrifying. But hope is not lost. Any woman can reclaim sexual power and orgasmic pleasure with the support of a trauma recovery specialist. It is every woman’s right to have orgasmic pleasure.
Many women are not clear on what an orgasm is or what it feels like. Some women experience small orgasms and don’t even realize it. There are so many types of orgasms, the important thing to know is that if you have an expectation of what the big “O” looks and feels like, you will not be able to achieve it. You must let go of all expectations and allow your body to feel pleasure. As that pleasure builds, allow your body and mind to enjoy it. The more you do that, the more orgasmic pleasure you will experience.
Sometimes there is too much in the brain and not enough in the body. Orgasm has nothing to do with thinking. You must learn to turn off the brain and be in the body of sensory pleasure. The only time your brain should come to the party is when you are fantasizing, talking dirty, or processing sensory input as “Mmmmm good. More please!!!” The moment you start to think about your to do list or bills or work or kids, it is no longer a sexy time in your body. Practice how to turn off your brain and come back into your body. There is a great exercise to support you in my article “Say Yes to Pleasure.”
Enough of the “Why Not?” Let’s get to the “How To.”
Masturbation: This is how women discover what we like and don’t like. It is the most successful way for women to reclaim, discover and explore their sexuality which includes orgasmic pleasure. It is safe. For many women there is shame, guilt, and the belief that masturbation is wrong and dirty. I’m here to tell you that is a lie that has been told to keep women from experiencing pleasure and empowerment. If we were not meant to experience and express orgasmic pleasure we would not have been given a clitoris. After all, the clitoris’ ONLY function is pleasure. Take children for example. They have no shame about their bodies or pleasure, if something feels good they do it more. This is a healthy and normal part of sexual development. Due to society, religion, and personal shame, many adults freak out and make children feel bad, wrong, guilty, or dirty about exploring their bodies. If this happened to you, I now give you permission to reclaim your right to sexual exploration. Try exploring manually with your hands, use one vibrator for your clitoris and one for penetration, or use the shower head. Once you figure out what your body desires you can share it with your partner(s).
Communication: When you can have an orgasm by yourself share that information with your partner. It is okay to lovingly ask for what you need with both verbal and non-verbal communication. Use your words by saying things like “harder,” or “softer.” Give directions like “left,” “right,” “up,” or “down.” Verbalizing “more,” “less,” “stay there,” or reassuring them with “YESSSS,” or “perfect!” is a healthy way to communicate with your partner. Don’t forget to add “please” to the end of each word so your partner does not feel like you are yelling at them. Non-verbal body language and sounds are also important forms of communication. When something feels good, moan and move your body. The more you do this the easier it is for your partner to know he or she is on the right track. When you stop moving and moaning, they know they lost the spot and can move on, all without you having to tell them with words. The other great way of communicating what supports your orgasmic pleasure is “show and tell.” Masturbate in front of your partner to demonstrate what works…some people are visual learners.
Surrender: Giving into pleasure equals orgasmic bliss. You can’t make a good orgasm happen. You might be able to have a little one, but it will take a lot of work. Those epic orgasmic experiences where you don’t know your name and your eyes roll back in your head and you scream and throw pillows like a wild animal, those just happen by surrendering to your body and the pleasure. Letting go of control can feel very scary and unsafe. You must allow yourself permission to overcome the fear of losing control. Trust me, letting go of control is where earth shaking pleasure and multiple O’s live. It’s like riding a wave – you can’t direct the wave, you’re just along for the ride. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! What a wonderful ride! Let’s do it again!
Overcoming physical desensitization or pain: This one is tricky. The best way to tackle desensitization and pain is to find a vagina and vulva expert and create a team to explore your pleasure possibility. You may have to learn how to be non-vaginally orgasmic. It will take some work, but you can still achieve the pleasure of orgasm!
I truly believe that it is everyone’s right to be orgasmic!!!! There is no reason you should have to suffer without it. So please reach out and get the support and education you need to heal and reclaim your orgasmic pleasure!!! I am here if you need me!
I have 2 amazing self study courses that will change your life and your orgasmic life
Until next time say, “I deserve Orgasmic Pleasure!!” 3 times out loud