Fifty Shades of Grey is really erotic porn for women, and there is nothing wrong with that. Over the past six years, I have been teaching a workshop called “50 Shades of Play,” and I have spoken with the media about the books and the movies, so I feel like I have a very good handle on this topic. As well as I am BDSM wellness specialist
First off, I need to address a common misconception:50 Shades of Grey is not true or healthy representation of BDSM! There are some hot, kinky sexy scenes that may or may not have made you breath rapidly and your vagina pulse, but I repeat, it is NOT BDSM.
This is not an article about all the ways that 50 Shades doesn’t support healthy relationships, or how it doesn’t represent a true BDSM relationship or lifestyle. The book and movie was just another romantic novel and Hollywood love story with some extra spicy sex and sexual tension in it. I will be writing another article talking about how romantic novels, Hollywood love stories and fairy tales have confused and distorted a lot of women’s ideas of love, sex and relationships, but that is for another time.
I totally support BDSM as a healthy sexual lifestyle and form of expression. So if you think you might want to start to explore kinky sex or BDSM then please do your research and don’t look at these books or movies as your manual. Without research and proper education exploring into the areas of kink and BDSM can be dangerous for your physical, mental, and relationship well-being. If you are interested in starting your educational journey into the world of spanking, I have a developed a great Self- Study course called “Spanking 101.”
If you found that you were turned on by 50 Shades, then great! Woohoo! I support anything that makes our down under parts pulse. I lovingly invite you to start exploring all the sexual possibilities. Repeat after me, “I am sexually free!!!”
How to create and expand a Spank Bank:
Let’s start with allowing yourself to expand your “Spank bank,” or your roller deck of fantasies.
What is a Spank Bank? A Spank Bank is a roller deck of sexual fantasies and desires that you can use when self-pleasuring or can share to turn on your partner. Our minds can be a great help in turning us on or a great hindrance that turns us off. It is important not to listen to what your mind’s judgement is saying and to start listening to your physical body’s response. Here’s how you learn to do just that:
Turn off the phones and emails and make sure you are going to be alone and not disturbed.
Choose a new type of porn genre. If you have not been exposed to much porn, I recommend women start with reading sex stories, and men to look at amateur pornography.
As you’re reading or listening or watching, just make note of how your body is reacting without judgement. If there is a scene that your body is responding to, make a mental note that that is an area to explore further when self-pleasuring.
Body reaction may include but is not restricted to: heart beat increasing, breathlessness, sudden intake of breath, body temperature increasing, pulsation in your genital area, and tingling in different parts of your body. These are all indicators that your sexual arousal levels are awakening.
It is through our Spank Bank and fantasies that our sexuality is grown and developed if used in a loving and healthy, non-judgmental way, so enjoy!!!
Second,it is time to open a dialog with your lover about what you have been having fantasies about.
How to bring up sexual exploration with your lover:
Start by letting your partner know you have something important to discuss and make sure it’s a good time for him or her to talk. You want their undivided attention.
If it’s not a good time, then book some time with them that week to chat. If it is a good time, start off by saying,“I have something I am a little nervous to share with you, can you please promise not to laugh or judge me?”Most partners will say “Sure! Of course!” If your partner does not respond well, then don’t risk the conversation because it can go horribly wrong. If this is the case, it is time to reach out for professional support.
Start to share what you have been thinking about, and ask them if they would like to come on this sexual adventure with you. Now take a deep breath!
It’s also good to let your partner know they don’t have to give an answer right away. Tell them they can think about it for a week if they need time. Also tell them they don’t have to do all of it. If they are uncomfortable, ask them to think about what part they might be willing to explore with you.
Then sit back and breathe, and give your lover space to answer. It is also okay if they say they are uncomfortable, or can’t explore like this at this time. In that case, your response should be,“Thank you for listening without freaking out or judging me, I love you very much. Can you please take some time to think about it and can we revisit this in a month’s time?”
End the conversation by telling your partner to feel free to share any fantasies they might want to explore with you. Say, “I love you,” and kiss your lover.
Now you are on your way to starting your exploration. Remember, Please do your research and education before you start any type of kinky or BDSM play so you or your lover don’t experience any physically and emotionally harm or injury. Safety is Sexy!!!
Repeat after me … Safety, Knowledge and Education is SEXY!!!
I have great how-to resources at my online course library to help with the process. Workshops and events are a great way to support your exploration. Fetlife.com is an awesome resource it is Facebook for kinky people and can help you find events in your area.
Until next time have a kinky day!!
P.S. If you are struggling, contact me. I will lovingly take your hand and guide you through the world of sexual exploration.